Email from @peatbeat:
My Dear Slunt,
So much drama in the last few weeks for you, with the revenge of Perash Hilton getting you shut down on Twatter, and now you facing the impressively retarded wrath of Tila Tequila. Well, good for you, old friend! The fact these total fucking whorebags hate you so much only justifies your veracity and righteousness as an internets blogger and purveyor of pop cultural perdition, yo!!
Previously, you indicated I might come into greater sluntification with your site; and while eventually I can’t wait to discuss the terms of my million dollar contract, in the meantime I am ever so delighted to submit to you this special little piece, which is in response to that grown up crack baby known as Tila Tequila and her embarrassing claims that she was going to sue you for telling the truth…and then making the equally embarrassing move to try and delete and deny she ever did any such thing…or whatever, her behavior is so confusing sometimes, the only thing that is really clear is that it is totally embarrassing for a non-officially retarded person…
3 OTHER EMBARRASSING THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO TILA TEQUILA SO FAR THIS WEEK
#1 SHE WOKE UP IN A DUMPSTER
No, @richardAmills didn’t kill her and leave her there (and i know he pretends to be
all indifferent now towards her and shit, but everyone knows that is just his cover while he is off plotting various ways in which he will cut that bitch). She just woke up in the dumpster after a crazy night of clubbing, I guess. Or maybe it was after a botched medical procedure, and Dr. “90210″ Robert Rey just freaked and dumped her body there because he didn’t know what to do after he screwed up the abortion, but then it turned out she was okay. Who knows–but it apparently wasn’t the first time she passed out there, because the homeless woman who normally lives in this receptacle was screaming, “I told you before bitch, this is MY house! You don’t sleep here!!” at her when she woke up. But truly, the most embarrassing part of this story is that when she got home, Tila noticed that her night upon the trash heap had actually helped to improve the wretched smell coming from her snatch.
#2 A CONDOM THAT WAS DISLODGED IN HER VAGINA 8 WEEKS AGO BECAME HOST TO AN ENORMOUS BACTERIAL GROWTH WHICH SHE MISTOOK FOR A PREGNANCY
This one’s pretty self-explanatory, mB, but I guess its a pretty funny backstory. She must have been pretty drunk one night, because for some reason she used a contraceptive–I know, not her typical behavior at all. Anyway, the concept of a condom being so foreign to her, she didn’t notice it when it slipped off and stayed inside her. Or maybe she thought they magically dissolve after use, like I said, she rarely uses them. Anyway, you can imagine her embarrassment when it turned out the rogue rubber had a giant STD growth living inside, which she–and initially, her doctors–mistook for a baby on the ultrasound!! Anyway, she went ahead and just had an abortion anyway, as she routinely does every six weeks or so (her regular method of “protection”). That pretty much did the job, which is good, since they were having a hard time finding any surgeons even willing to get their hands anywhere near her snatch to remove the thing.
#3 FOR A SECOND, NOBODY CARED ABOUT HER ANYMORE
Earlier this week, someone was like “Oh my god, I fucking that c$%@ Tila Tequila,” and this other person was like “Who?” And Tila Tequila heard about this, and it freaked her out so bad you guys that she almost miscarried her infected condom baby!! It was really, really sad. So I sent her a text message and was like “Tila don’t worry just confess to killing your lesbian heiress wife and people will love you again. I bet you can use it to land a part in Chicago on Broadway!” (We send really long texts because we are on iPhones together. Did I mention that I am probably the person who cares and has the most respect for her in this world?) Anyway, she was about to hold the press conference, at which she would confess to killing whatsherface Johnson, to be followed with a full on Glee-style bust out of “All That Jazz”–and quite a searing rendition, if I do say so myself.
But her lawyers intervened at the last minute, and so she lamely used the infected condom baby as a fake pregnancy cover story instead. And mB, I am surprised you went ahead and published those photos anyway, as I am certain you are no stranger to fake infected condom babies yourself!! I bet you were aware all along, you scoundrel, and you totally knew that me or some other similarly qualified expert would stumble upon the truth, thus ensuring this exposure of yet MORE embarrassing things that happened to our celebutard heroine this week!!!  I toast to you, mB, the shrewdest genius of them all!! (and I am drinking isopropyl alcohol screwdrivers, so that is a pretty fucking serious toast my friend!)
xo, @peatbeat
as a DISCLAIMER, i pretty much rely on psychic powers, extra-terrestrial communication, and some limited contact with CIA operatives, as my source for this material, so although I cannot verify the truthacity of this content by %100, I can say that studies show that “most people” agree that it definitely “sounds like it could be true.”
Note from mB: roflmao.. I think truthacity is my new favorite word.. adding to dictionary. I put monkeys over the bitches face because I can’t stand looking at her.. and I hate monkeys like a motherfucker. XOXOXO ::sip:: <3 mB
